


I Know Saint Peter Won't Call My Name

by lls_mutant



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Consensual violence in sex, Drug Use, Mild S&M, Multi, Pegasus fic, Prostitution, sex-for-drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-04
Updated: 2010-08-04
Packaged: 2017-10-10 22:49:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/105255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lls_mutant/pseuds/lls_mutant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The <i>Pegasus</i> has plenty of demons. Everyone needs some form of escape.  Kendra and Hoshi find an odder escape than most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Know Saint Peter Won't Call My Name

"Do you hear them screaming?" Everyone had a different answer when Kendra asked.

"That's how it has to be," was Cain's brusque answer.

Fisk was kinder. "You can't dwell on it. It's over and it's done, and if you live in the past it will tear you apart."

"What the _frak_ are you talking about, sir?" Gage demanded, handing a bolt cutter to Vireem.

"There's no one left to scream," Vireem added bluntly. Of course, she never should have expected any sort of intelligent response from those two.

The pilots were more coherent, but barely.

"Why should I?" Showboat asked. "Everyone's screaming. In case you missed it, Captain, the worlds ended."

Narcho shrugged. "It doesn't matter," he said. "Nothing matters but the war. We're all going to die anyway- it's just a question of how many we can take out before we go."

"_They_ were going to die anyway," was Stinger's response. "Isn't it a mercy to shoot them, let them die fast and painlessly rather than starve to death or be taken alive? We should have shot the whole frakking boat."

Face after face, soldier after soldier. They were all hardened by blood and fire and grief and rage, and they all looked at her like she was insane. All except one.

"Do I hear them screaming?" Hoshi repeated incredulously. "Who?"

"The people on the _Scylla_. The Cylon. The people on the Colonies. Jurgen Belzan. _Anyone_."

Hoshi nodded, his eyes darting away. "Every time I close my eyes."

That was when Kendra knew she'd found the best friend she'd have on the _Pegasus_.

***

She'd met Gina Inviere before, but never developed any affection for her. She'd heard the stories about Thorne, the _Please Disturb_ sign, and how many men had been killed at Gina's hands, how many people Thorne had saved at other times as well. The frakking toaster was a murderer, there were no two ways about that.

Kendra had no desire to "disturb", but something drew her down to the brig anyway. It was late and most of the crew was either asleep, on duty, or in the rec room, and the brig lighting was dim. What surprised her was that Hoshi was down here, standing outside the cell, staring in.

"Oh, sorry, Lieutenant" she said, backing up. "If you were going to-"

"No." He shook his head empathetically. "Definitely not." He looked uncomfortable. "If you were going to-"

"No. Not me, either."

"Ah." He shifted. "I'm not trying to make a statement or anything."

"No." Kendra knew better. "I'm not either. It's just… if I could go in there and kick the shit out of her, I would."

"You could," he said morosely.

"So could you."

He shrugged. "What good would it do? Wouldn't change a frakking thing."

"Justice," Kendra suggested.

Hoshi snorted. "Yeah. Justice. And after you get justice, the whole world is still all dead, and she's still not. How is that justice?"

"Yeah." Kendra stood next to him, looking in. The Cylon lying on the floor didn't seem to notice them; she- _it_\- didn't seem to notice anything. "So what do you do?"

Hoshi laughed bitterly. "Only thing you can do. Fight 'em till we can't, right?"

"That's not what I mean."

He was silent for a long time. "Frak if I know. I stood there in the CIC and watched her shoot Jurgen, I know _this_," he gestured at Gina, "is over the line and I say nothing. That's what I do. I say nothing and tell myself other people are the guilty ones."

"You're taking the toaster's side?" Kendra demanded, narrowing her eyes.

"Frak, no. If I could go in there and shoot her, I would."

"It's a machine, Hoshi. It would be like turning it off. What they're doing now at least makes it suffer."

"Didn't say it was a good idea. But that's what I'd do." He stared at Gina. "She might be a machine, but I can't bend my mind around it enough to do something like that. She seems too real."

"You're not nearly as strong as Cain gave you credit for," Kendra said condescendingly.

Hoshi shrugged. "I know," he said simply. He sighed and stepped back from the glass. "I'll see you later."

Kendra waited until his footsteps faded. Then she pulled her shoulders back, looking in the glass. This woman, this _machine_ had brought them to where they were, to the point where killing civilians had been an order and worse, that it had made sense. She felt the gun in her hand, watched the woman fly backwards, her eyes already lifeless before she hit the floor. This was what these frakkers wanted for every human left alive.

She took a deep breath and opened the door. But although the impact of knuckle on bone was satisfying, and the caving of flesh and spurting of blood, none of it made anything any better.

***

Kendra glanced at her watch and straightened her uniform. She was five minutes early, but Fisk preferred to keep things ahead of schedule. She knocked on the door.

No answer.

It wasn't like Fisk to forget an appointment. Kendra glanced down at the stack of reports that needed signatures, imagined telling Cain that she hadn't gotten them, and knocked again. When there was no answer she pushed the door open.

Fisk was sitting in his chair, head tipped back. Kendra was about to say something when her brain caught up with her eyes and she realized that Hoshi was kneeling between Fisk's knees, blowing him.

"I apologize, sir," she muttered hastily, backing out. She shut the hatch firmly behind her, shaking her head as if it would clear the image from her mind. She stood back against the wall, catching her breath and debating exactly what she should do.

The hatch opened, and Hoshi came out, not looking at Kendra. He turned the opposite way and hurried away without a single word, the back of his neck bright red. She could only imagine what his face must have looked like.

She took a deep breath, counted to thirty, and then knocked. "Come in," Fisk called. She schooled her face and opened the door.

"I have the reports, sir. And several requisitions that require your signature."

"All right." Fisk had moved from the chair he'd been sitting in to the desk. "Let's go through them."

They worked steadily, Kendra focusing all of her attention on the documents before them and the reports she needed to give. It wasn't her imagination that Fisk was just as willing to be quick and professional about this, although she noticed his fingers drumming nervously on the desk as they worked.

He signed the last report and she'd saluted, ready to leave, when Fisk said, "It's entirely consensual, you know."

"What is, sir?"

"Er, I know you saw, I mean…" his face turned an unflattering shade of red. "I didn't coerce him."

Kendra raised her eyebrow. "Who, sir?"

Fisk finally caught on. "Right," he muttered. "Thank you, Lieutenant."

"Sir." She saluted again, and he saluted back, relief clear on his face. She walked on out.

***

"You could do better."

Hoshi was sitting in his bunk, reading. He stiffened as Kendra addressed him. "I don't care to discuss it."

"If you want me to keep my mouth shut to Cain, you will." Kendra leaned against his locker. "Why the frak are you doing it?"

"Not really your business," he reminded her in a steely sort of sing-song. Kendra stared at him until he put his book down. "Fine. Because it's not about sex."

"Really."

"Yeah."

Kendra crossed her arms. "Sure looked like it when you were sucking his dick."

"I can see how you might make that mistake." He still wasn't looking at her; his eyes were focused on his book. "But it is a mistake."

"Then enlighten me."

Hoshi sighed and put his book down. "You asked me once if I can still hear them screaming, and I told you I do" he said. Kendra nodded tightly. "That's true. But when I'm with Jack, I don't."

"You love him?" Kendra asked, surprised.

"I can't stand the bastard. The whole thing makes me sick."

"Then why do you-"

"That's why," Hoshi interrupted sharply. "Now let me read my book."

"All right." Kendra backed off and headed to her own bunk and pulled the privacy curtain shut. As she lay back and closed her eyes, she heard the screaming in her head.

***

Night after night, Kendra lay in her bunk, trying to sleep, but the images in her mind wouldn't let her. There was nothing left. Nothing, except less than two thousand people. These, the people on this boat, were all the remnants of humanity.

_There would have been more, if we hadn't stripped those ships and left them to die._

She turned over angrily, grabbing the pillow and pulling it over her ears. _Not that many_, she tried to tell herself. _Not enough to make any sort of difference. Humanity is dead, no matter what we do. All that matters is taking out the bastards before we die._

She flipped back onto her back, seizing on that thought. _Until we die._ It wouldn't be long- it couldn't. The day would come when the Cylons would find them and the nukes would tear the ship to pieces, and the last seventeen hundred souls left in the universe would die in a blaze, and there would only be oblivion.

She'd welcome that day, but at the same time, she'd hold it off for as long as she damn well could.

***

Kendra had never been to a Dance, but they became a weekly occurrences on the _Pegasus_. They _had_ to- fights were erupting all the time. Kendra spotted Admiral Cain over by the ring, wearing her tanks, cheering Narcho on as he fought Gripper.

"Who's winning, sir?" Kendra shouted. The noise and the heat were incredible.

Cain turned to her, a gleam in her eyes. "Narcho. And if he knows what's good for him, he'll keep it that way. I've got ten cubits riding on him."

"Ten cubits for what, sir?" Kendra muttered, but Cain had already turned back to the fight.

Narcho and Gripper were circling each other. They were naked except for their shorts and their gloves, covered in sweat and blood. Gripper threw a wild right cross, and Narcho neatly stepped back to evade it, and then riposted with a jab to the chin. Gripper's head jerked back, and Narcho closed in, pounding his body. The roar of the crowd increased, until Kendra could feel the excitement and the bloodlust coursing through the room and herself. It straightened her spine and sent life flowing through her limbs.

When Gripper fell to the mat unconscious, Kendra broke away to put her tags in. Her only disappointment with the evening was that hers were never drawn.

***

She saw Gripper and Narcho the next day, laughing together. The whole right side of Gripper's face was bruised, and Narcho had a black eye, but their stances were relaxed and their laughter was genuine. She remembered the violence of the night before, the thought of Hoshi on his knees in front of Fisk, and the number of people who went down to the brig. Every last person on this ship was frakked up. And yet, the _Pegasus_ kept going.

The _Pegasus_ kept going, Kendra realized, because everyone found some way to dump that grief, that anger, that hate, those demons, so they could do their jobs. Forged blades of steel on the outside, raw messes of grief and guilt on the inside.

Something was going to have to give.

***

"DRADIS contact!" Lieutenant Thornton was out of his seat, leaning over the console.

"How many?" Cain snapped out.

"A lot. I'm seeing thirty… no, forty… no… but Admiral, they aren't Cylons."

"What?"

"That's not possible," Kendra said. _We couldn't have found more civilians. We can't do this again. I_ won't….

"Mr. Hoshi," Cain said, "check for a Colonial frequency."

"Already on it, sir." His eyes widened. "They are broadcasting a Colonial frequency, sir."

"I'm getting fifty-six ships," Thornton said. "And one of them is a battlestar." He made a face. "I'm picking up what looks like Vipers, sir."

"Launch the alert Vipers," Cain ordered.

"Alert Vipers launched," Kendra reported back.

Cain fastened her gaze on the DRADIS. Her eyes were darting, measuring, weighing. Kendra's throat closed. Fisk leaned forward.

"If there's a battlestar-" he began, but Cain held up her hand.

"Quiet." She looked at Hoshi. "Are you getting any readings on the other ships?"

"A Gemenon traveler, two tyllium refining ships, several freighters…." He met her eyes. "They must all have FTL drives to have survived this long. And substantial protection."

Fisk tuned a dial. "I've got something. On speaker, sir."

A woman's voice filled the CIC. "This is the battlestar _Galactica_. Identify yourself, or we will fire upon you."

"This is the battleship _Pegasus_ to the ship claiming to be _Galactica_," Fisk said, gripping the side of the communications console. "Please respond."

For a long, horrible moment there was only static filling the silent CIC. Then a husky, authoritative voice came over the line. "_Pegasus_, this is _Galactica_ actual. Authenticate identity with recognition codes immediately."

"Send them," Cain ordered Hoshi.

"We're receiving codes as well," Hoshi said, his voice taut with excitement.

"You're certain?"

"I'm certain, sir."

"_Galactica_, this is _Pegasus_ actual. Adama, is that you?"

"Admiral Cain. What a pleasure to hear your voice."

"Commander, I don't know what to say. This is a miracle."

Cain's face split into a wide, relieved smile, and Kendra exhaled. This wasn't going to be the _Scylla_ again. A miracle indeed.

***

The _Galactica_ was an antiquated piece of junk, but Kendra had a certain respect for anything that could hold of the toasters that long. She didn't have nearly as much respect for the crew, however. They might be trained, they might be competent, but they were unprofessional and raw and unwilling to face reality.

"I hate it over there," she told Hoshi as she undressed for the night after touring the _Galactica_ for the first time. Hoshi was sitting in his bunk, reading another book that Fisk had given him. If Kendra didn't know better, she'd believe that Hoshi was just whoring himself out just for reading material.

"The _Galactica_?" he asked.

"They're a bunch of naïve, frakking idiots."

"Mmm."

"Don't tell me you believe in this Earth shit that Adama goes on about."

"No…" Hoshi said, laying his book on his lap. "But it's nice to think about."

Kendra snorted. "Nice to think about," she said mockingly. "Never pegged you for such a weak-minded simpleton, Mr. Blowing-the-XO-isn't-about-sex."

He raised an eyebrow. "Didn't say I believed it," he shot back. "I just said it's nice to think about. So's the princess in the tower that gets the prince at the end, when they live happily ever after."

"Life doesn't work that way."

"What's wrong with wishing it did?"

"Because it _doesn't_," Kendra said. She kicked her discarded duty blues jacket. "And wishing that it did is just a denial of reality."

"Well, thank _you_, Miniature Cain." He sighed. "Wishing isn't denying reality. I know Earth's a bunch of pretty words the Commander strung together to keep the people going. But you can't deny that there's a different air on _Galactica_ than there is here."

"No," Kendra grudgingly admitted. "But that doesn't mean they aren't all fools."

She thought that again when she went over to the _Galactica_ the next day, and a young petty officer who worked in the CIC briefed her on the progress they had made so far.

"So you're saying that you've actually been to Kobol?" Kendra demanded.

"Not me, personally," Dualla said. "I never set foot there. But we had a landing party on the planet."

"How do you know it was Kobol?" Kendra demanded.

Dualla was unperturbed by her skepticism. "They found the City of the Gods," she said. "And the Tomb of Athena."

"But how do you _know_?" Kendra pressed. "If you weren't there…"

"I wasn't," Dualla said, "but Billy was. And before you suggest it, Billy isn't the type to believe in visions and scripture. He doesn't believe in the Gods, but he does believe that this planet was once inhabited and that what they found was a map to Earth."

If this Billy was an atheist, that took away the bulk of Kendra's argument. She scowled and changed tactics. "And you really believe that you'll find Earth?"

"Commander Adama says we will," Dualla said. She met Kendra's eyes evenly.

"Let me guess. You have to believe it to keep going."

Dualla's gaze didn't waver, and for the first time, Kendra actually respected someone on the _Galactica_. "No," she said. "I keep going because this Fleet needs is to keep going. Because we're the only protection these people have."

A cold chill washed down Kendra's spine. "Protection," she said, trying to sound as contemptuous as she had through the entire conversation.

"Yes. What else does the Colonial Fleet exist for, but to protect the people of the Colonies?'

"Excuse me," Kendra said. "I need…" but Dualla nodded before she finished, and Kendra fled the room.

She made it to the toilet in the nick of time.

***

"_What_?" Kendra stared at Thornton, who glared back at her with red-rimmed eyes.

"You heard me. The Admiral is dead."

It was inconceivable that Cain would die without the rest of them being dead. Not because she was a coward, but because Kendra couldn't imagine Cain dying in any other way than a battle against the Cylons. "It's not possible."

"Ask Hoshi. He's the one that found her." Thornton's face hardened. "Apparently, that toaster bitch escaped. She's probably the one that shot her."

"How the hell-"

"Who knows?" Thornton shrugged. "All I know is that Cain is dead."

The world started to end again.

***

She didn't knock, but she waited outside Fisk's door. And when Hoshi came out, she caught him by the arm.

"She's not dead," Kendra insisted.

Hoshi pulled away. "Who's denying reality now?" he said. "I saw her body. She's dead." His face was sheet white and his hair was mussed. Kendra looked at him, hating him with every fiber of her being.

"Your fly's unbuttoned," she said, and then stormed away.

***

_She did what she thought needed to be done, and the Pegasus survived. Might be hard to admit, or hard to hear, but I think that we were safer with her...than we are without._

Thrace gave the eulogy, and Kendra listened with a blank face, watching the faces of the officers opposite her. They were all blank, like hers, expressionless and military.

_Safer with her than we are without._

"Do you believe that?" she asked Hoshi later. They sat together on a crate on the hangar deck of the _Galactica_, waiting for their Raptor to be prepped.

"That we were safer with her than we are without? It depends on who _we_ are and what the goal is," Hoshi grumbled.

"Dualla pointed out the Fleet was meant to protect civilians, to protect the Colonies."

"Then don't ask me that question."

Kendra sighed. "I feel like we should get drunk tonight."

"I feel like getting drunk won't be enough." The bitterness between them was almost tangible.

"It doesn't matter. 2200 hours, in our rack."

Hoshi raised his eyebrows. "That's an order?" he said, with a quirk of a smile.

"That's an order," Kendra said, not smiling at all.

***

She managed to get a bottle of booze from the deck chief of the _Galactica_. It was moonshine and tasted like shoe polish, but she didn't care. She retreated to the racks, waiting for Hoshi.

He came in fifteen minutes late, hair messed and duty jacket hanging open, a bruise forming on his neck. "You're late," she told him.

"You knew I would be," he countered.

"Yeah. Did it work?"

"I need a drink. Badly."

Kendra poured him a large one and handed it over. He knocked it back in two gulps. "That bad, huh?" she said, laughing a little that the face he made.

"I've tasted worse."

"I imagine, given that you were just sucking Jack Fisk's dick."

"That wasn't what I was doing," he said. He sat down on the bunk opposite her. "You obviously aren't well versed in gay sex if you think that's the only possibility."

She wasn't, but she knew the other possibilities. "What I can't decide is which is more disgusting, with this being Fisk," she said.

Hoshi shrugged. "I let him frak me up the ass _tonight_," he pointed out. "Which do you think?"

"I see your point."

He reached out for the bottle and poured himself another glass, and then topped her off as well. "Good to actually have liquor again. I've needed to be drunk for a long time."

"So say we all," Kendra agreed. She sighed. "You think that's what we should be after? Protection?"

Hoshi blinked at her change of subject, and then sighed. "It's different for the _Galactica_. They found ships to protect."

"So did we."

"We didn't find a Fleet of fifty thousand. There's the imperative of protection, and the imperative of war."

Kendra shuddered, still remembering that speech. "I know."

Hoshi considered the clear liquid in his glass, and then put it down. "Look," he said carefully, "Jack gave me something. He swears by it when things get too much… he says it takes the edge off. I haven't tried it before now, but…" he got up, opened his locker and dug around in a boot until he produced a vial full of black liquid and a syringe. Kendra stared at it.

"That's sacilorrma, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"What the _frak_ is Fisk doing with sacrilorrma?" Hoshi shrugged, and Kendra stared at the vial.

She knew the stuff; her mother had been on it in the final few weeks of her cancer. It wasn't as strong as morpha, but the effect was similar. There were risks, but right now, Kendra didn't care. She reached out and took the vial from Hoshi. "You're frakking with me." She looked at his face. "You ever do this?"

"No. But after a day like this, I'm willing to try."

Kendra snorted laughter. "Frak. We sound like two kids in a bad after school special."

Hoshi grinned. "I know." His voice turned mocking. "Come on, Kendra. Everybody's doing it." She didn't say anything, and his face dropped back into its normal serious lines. "What?"

"Nothing. It's just that that's the first time I've ever seen you really smile."

"Oh." He seemed nonplussed by that. "Well," he finally said, "if Fisk is telling the truth about this stuff, maybe you'll see it a bit more." He flipped the syringe awkwardly, poked it through the rubber septum and drew up a fair amount. "Here goes nothing." Kendra watched as he tipped his head and injected it into his neck. He passed the syringe over, along with a lighter. "I'm clean," he told her, "but just in case."

"Yeah." It wouldn't be the best method, but who the frak cared? They wouldn't be around long enough for it to matter. Kendra held the tip of the needle in the lighter for what felt like a long time, and then picked up the vial. The sacrilorrma inside winked in the light, and Kendra decided frak any of it, and plunged the syringe in. She injected into her neck, and the liquid burned as it entered her body. But the burning faded, and soon she began to feel a disconnect from reality.

She lay back, the world slowing down and blurring. She tried to concentrate and focus, but her brain wouldn't. She couldn't think, she couldn't bring up a sharp mental image… but at the same time she wasn't incapacitated, either. It was like the best drunk she'd ever had, without flying high emotionally.

"Gods," she said, and her voice sounded like it was coming from underwater, "where did Fisk get this stuff?"

She had no idea how long it was before she realized Hoshi never answered, and that there was a rough, wet sound filling the air of the bunkroom. She pulled herself to sitting and looked around, the dreary everyday of duty lockers refracted into minor glories in her vision, and then finally realized that Hoshi was crouched in a corner, gripping a waste bin.

"Oh, frak." Kendra tried to get up, faltered, and then fell back. "Hoshi? Are you dying?"

"Feels like it," he said.

"Good." She lay back, the heel of her palm against her forehead. "Let me know if you do."

Hoshi's only answer was a gagging sound.

***

She wasn't sure how many hours later it was, but the worst of the sickness had passed over Hoshi. He was clammy and white and weak, but he wasn't vomiting or shaking any more. Others had come into the bunk room, so they'd retreated to Hoshi's rack. He was stretched out on his back, Kendra curled on her side above him, idly stroking his hair. It wasn't something she ever would have done normally, but right now his fine hair felt natural under her fingers.

"Can I tell you something?" Kendra said, her mouth moving without her really controlling it.

"Kind of the point, isn't it?" Hoshi muttered.

"I want to be glad she's dead."

"Yeah?"

"She gave the order. The _Scylla_ should die with her."

Hoshi cracked an eye open. "You really think it will?"

"No."

"Yeah."

"Are you glad she's dead?"

"Frak, no," he said, closing his eyes and shifting so he was more comfortable. "I loved her."

"Really. You frakking her, too?"

He laughed a little. "Defeats the purpose," he answered.

Kendra considered that. "You ever have sex because you wanted to? I mean, because you enjoyed it?"

"Yeah. It's been a long time, but yeah. I keep them separate." Looking at him, he didn't look anything like anyone Kendra would expect to say that. "The one I can't… I can't really stop. The other…" he shrugged.

"You ever ask your partner-"

"If things are going well enough that I want a partner, I don't have a… a… whatever the frak Jack is."

"In some frakked up way, that makes sense."

"Good. Now shut up about it, will you? The only reason I'm not walking out the door is because I can't frakking move without throwing up again."

"Right." The buzz was wearing off into a headache and a heaviness, and Kendra closed her eyes. The darkness swirled, and she swirled down to meet it.

***

The reveille startled them both out of the bed in the morning. Hoshi looked away from her hastily, not meeting her eyes and not speaking. Kendra found she didn't really mind.

But as she dressed, reality came crashing back down on her, and it seemed heavier than it had before. And in her head, the screaming began again.

***

"Captain Shaw."

"Commander Fisk." Fisk had wasted no time in moving into Cain's former quarters, and it irked Kendra like crazy to be in here, talking to him like this.

"I have an assignment for you."

"Yes, sir."

"There are some supplies that need to go to the _Prometheous_. I want you to get them over there."

"Yes, sir." Kendra's voice was stiff, even to her own ears.

Fisk heard it too, and raised his eyebrows. "Got a problem with that, Captain?"

"No, sir. I just haven't set foot on a civilian ship since we joined the Fleet."

"Really? Well, I think it's time we changed that, don't you?"

"Not really, sir," Kendra said through gritted teeth.

Fisk's bushy eyebrows went higher. "Not exactly the right foot to get off on, Captain. I hoped we could make this a positive working relationship." The words sounded right, but Kendra saw a spark of something in Fisk's eyes. "It's an order, Captain. Get the supplies over to the _Prometheus_, to a man named Phelan. And tell him I expect payment."

"Yes, sir." Kendra saluted and left.

***

The _Prometheus_ didn't look anything like the _Scylla_, and as the Raptor entered the hangar bay, Kendra began to breathe again. Ridiculous, anyway, to get so uptight over something like this. After all, Fisk had been on the _Scylla_ with her and _he_ obviously had been on civilian ships, and Kendra was not going to be outdone by someone like Fisk. She stepped off the Raptor without any further hesitation, gesturing to the two marines who were helping her carry her cargo.

The hangar bay might look like any other ship she'd ever been on, but the hold where she'd been directed did not. It was dark, with makeshift winding hallways and little rooms that had gods knew what in them. Kendra was becoming more and more uncomfortable by the minute.

Phelan was a large, older man flanked by two armed thugs. He looked up when Kendra walked in.

"Are you from the _Pegasus_?"

"Yes. We have your shipment." She nodded at the two marines trailing her. One hesitated, and she tipped her head as an order to hand the cargo over. The thugs stepped forward and began to rifle through. Kendra stared straight ahead.

"Looks in order, boss."

"Good. Go back to the _Pegasus_ and tell Fisk he'll get his payment."

"I believe I'm supposed to take the payment back with me, sir." Kendra looked him straight in the eye.

"Is that so?" Phelan measured her with his eyes. "What are you going to do about it if you don't?"

"Shoot your guards."

"There's military honor for you."

Kendra took two steps closer. One of the guards moved for his gun, but Phelan held up his hand. "You think I've got a problem with shooting civilians?" Kendra said, her voice soft and steely. "Then you had better ask around about the _Scylla_. I'm sure you'll find lots of stories that will entertain a parasite of human misery like yourself… and serve as a frakking warning."

His eyes stayed locked with hers for a long moment, and then he flicked a smile. "Go get Fisk's payment," he ordered one of the guards. He smirked and Kendra. "Pleasure doing business with you."

***

Fisk looked pleased at the small box that Kendra brought to his quarters. "Looks like it's all here," he said. He removed a worn paperback from the box, setting it on the desk.

"Good."

"What did you think?" Fisk turned to her, his eyes narrowing slightly. Kendra drew herself up.

"I would appreciate it if you never sent me over there again, sir."

"Too rough for you?" he said, with a strange sort of laugh. He withered under Kendra's glare.

"I don't care to be a black-market sellout, sir."

Fisk's face lost all humor. "You'd better watch what you say, Captain."

"Why, sir? That's exactly what you had me do, trade parts from the _Pegasus_ stores for what?" She gestured at the box. "Cigars, liquor, and knick-knacks?"

"All right. I see where this is going." Fisk sat back against his desk and crossed his arms. "How much?"

"Excuse me?"

"How much? What cut is this going to cost me to keep your mouth shut?"

"I am not looking for a bribe," Kendra said, disgusted.

"I see. Well, then. You're dismissed."

She wouldn't salute that piece of shit. She headed for the door. Her hand was on it when Fisk spoke again.

"Tell me something, Captain. Who do you think would replace me?"

She stopped. "Excuse me?"

"Who would replace me?" Fisk asked. "I've noticed that the _Galactica_ doesn't have much in the way of experienced command officers, and most of our own officers were already offship when the toasters hit. So let's say you tell Admiral Adama," his voice dripped with contempt, "and he believes you over myself and Colonel Tigh, and he demotes me. Who's going to step up to take my place?"

The thought stopped her cold, because he was _right_. There was no one with that sort of experience or tactical ability. Kendra closed her eyes.

"You're in the same racks as Lieutenant Hoshi, am I right, Captain?" Fisk said, smug and complacent now. "Give him this book. From me."

"Yes, sir."

***

"Here's your frakking book." She threw it at him as hard as she could, striking Hoshi in the chest.

"What the frak?" He caught the book as it fell, glanced at the title, and then glared at Kendra. "What the hell is this about?"

"You must be one hell of a lay," Kendra said, "if he's giving you _books_."

Hoshi's face turned red. "Shut up."

"Why should I, lieutenant? You know what you're doing is breaking regs. I kept my mouth shut before because all you were getting out of it was whatever frakked up kink you've got going. But now? You're taking payment."

"I am _not_ taking payment," Hoshi said, the red in his face deepening to a very ugly shade. "It's a gift."

"For frakking a superior officer. For sucking his dick. For letting him use you so you can forget that you're just as bad as the rest of us, and making him-" Hoshi's fist connected with Kendra's cheek, and she jerked around.

She came up swinging, and landed a punch on his solar plexus that sent him staggering back, crashing against the lockers. He tossed the book aside onto his bunk and then put his fists up. "You really want to do this?" he asked.

"Frak, yeah." Kendra stripped off her jacket, her eyes on him.

"We could wait for the dance," Hoshi temporized.

"What, lieutenant, are you chicken?" He gave her a mocking glare, and then kicked the table in the center of the room out of the way. The hairs on the back of Kendra's neck rose, but she ignored it. "All right, then," she said, and put her hands up.

He hesitated. "What? Did your mommy teach you not to hit a girl?" she mocked.

He didn't rise to her bait, but waited until he spotted an opening and attacked. She blocked it, responding with a vicious jab of her own. It connected with his chin, jerking his head back, but he rolled with it and came in under her guard for a sharp punch to the ribs.

The uppercut _hurt_. It made her angry, and frak mercy. If Hoshi wanted a fight, she'd give it to him. All reserve went out the window, and Kendra backed him into a corner, pummeling him until he was bent over her shoulder, his hand tight around her bare bicep.

"You had enough?" she growled in his ear.

"Hardly." His voice was tight and pain-filled. "Keep going."

Suddenly, she realized what this was and she pulled back. "You've got to be frakking kidding me."

He was still bent over, trying to catch his breath. "I'm not."

"You know what that book means. Fisk wants you to show up tonight."

"I know what that book means. Fisk isn't enough."

"Didn't think you hated me," Kendra said, backing up.

"I don't." Hoshi managed to stand up fully. "But if you can figure out a way to frak me, I'll give you what you're looking for."

"What am I looking for?"

"You know damned well."

"I don't," she insisted, even as she knew she was lying. She should be picking up her jacket and storming out, but for some reason she heard herself asking, "What sort of frakking?"

"Depends. You have any interest in coming?"

"Not really." She looked him up and down. "You're not my type."

"Good. You're not mine, either."

"As long as we're on the same page. Strip."

Hoshi blinked. Kendra stared him down, and he broke eye contact first. He ducked his head and began to remove his tanks. Kendra watched, not at all aroused. Hoshi was too skinny across the chest and going slack in the abs. He hesitated for just a moment before he undid his pants, and then slid them down his legs. He stood for a moment in just his boxers, eyes fixed on her with a touch of uncertainty.

"Continue," Kendra ordered. He obeyed, slipping off his boxers and laying them neatly on his bunk. There was something very vulnerable about his nudity, and Kendra's spine straightened a little. "On your knees."

"No." Hoshi's eyes flashed.

"Do you tell Fisk 'no'?" Kendra demanded. "Get on your knees, lieutenant." She hadn't been looking below his waist, but her eyes stayed down there and she noticed that he was half-hard already. He knelt down, and for a moment, Kendra wasn't sure what the hell she was supposed to do. "You like this?" she demanded. "Is this what you want?" Hoshi didn't answer; he just bowed his head and hunched his shoulders. It was a yes, Kendra assumed, but it was such an infuriating yes because it was so… weak. "Say it," she said, her teeth clenching. Hoshi didn't answer. "Say it!" She struck him across the cheek. It wasn't hard, but he rolled with it anyway, and looked up at her with defiant eyes. She grabbed a handful of his hair and twisted, jerking his head up so he faced her. "Say it," she whispered harshly. "Say you like this. Tell me that this is what you want."

"I want it," he whispered.

She let go of his hair and struck him again; harder this time. He fell to the floor and she kicked him in the rubs, although she reined in her kick because she was still wearing her boots. "All right," she ordered, as he curled around himself. "Jerk off."

"No."

"Don't make me kick you again, lieutenant. It _will_ hurt."

He understood the double meaning and pulled himself to sitting. Kendra kept her eyes pointed at him, but tried to close her sight off as best she could. This really wasn't something she had any desire to see. Her stomach twisted in nausea.

_Just a few more minutes. Just a few more…_ She felt drawn to that locker, to the vial she _knew_ was in there, and the oblivion she'd felt last night. Just a few more minutes and then he'd get up and hand her that… whatever frakked up, messed up, crazy thing this was, it would be worth it for that.

She heard him exhale, and then he collapsed over on himself, huddled on the floor and breathing heavily. She leaned back against the locker, crossing her arms and breathing slowly as she closed her eyes.

She heard Hoshi moving, and the sounds of him getting dressed. He opened his locker, rustled around in it, and closed it again. She didn't look at him until he pressed the vial- small, cold, and smooth- into her hand.

"It's all yours," he said softly. "Thank you."

Kendra nodded stiffly. Hoshi looked more at peace, despite the swelling around his eye and the split lip. "You'd better put some ice on that," she said dully.

"I will." He glanced at the vial. "Next time, I'll get you a new needle for the syringe."

"All right."

He pulled his duty jacket closed. "Thanks again," he said, straightening into his normal stiff posture. "I'll see you later."

"Right."

Kendra waited until the hatch closed behind him, and then found the syringe he'd left on the table, along with the lighter. She thought about the _Prometheus_, about Fisk, and about what Cain would say if she ever knew what Fisk was doing. It was that last thought that was on her mind when she injected the sacrilorrma into her neck, and the freedom swept over her again.

***

[](http:)On to Part 2

Fisk was already in the CIC when Kendra came in. "You're late, Captain."

Kendra glanced at the clock. "No I'm not, sir."

"You were due in twenty nine minutes ago." He glanced down at a computer monitor. "It's up to soldiers to check the schedule for changes."

Kendra pressed her lips together. She wasn't sure what was worse- that Fisk had intentionally changed the schedule so he could call her out, or he had done it six hours ago. If Admiral Cain had done that, Kendra would have only been furious with herself.

"Get to your station," Fisk ordered. Kendra obeyed.

Her head was sore this morning, and the blinking lights and constant chatter of the CIC wasn't helping. But she settled into her duties, working smoothly.

By the afternoon her headache was gone. The stations were running smoothly, she had finished installing a code patch that _Galactica_ had sent over, and the shuttle runs for the next twenty four hours were scheduled and confirmed. She looked at her list, and her head began to throb again.

"I'm going down to the hangar deck," she informed Fisk. He nodded, not looking at her.

The sound of her footsteps seemed loud as she headed down, clipboard in hand. She watched the panels go by, the faces of the people she passed. She went by the conference rooms, the gym, the storage rooms. She was starting to see signs of wear. She focused on that, on dents and patched plumbing, and a light bulb that flickered because of a faulty circuit.

The hangar deck was a quiet buzz of activity, but Kendra still heard her footsteps over the general bangs and clatters. She ignored it, tossing her head straight and approaching her quarry.

"Deck Chief Laird. I'm supposed to meet with you at 1400 hours."

Laird turned around. His eyes widened slightly, but other than that he didn't react. "Captain Shaw," he said blandly. "All right then."

"I need reports on the Raptor and Viper repairs, as well as what the status of our parts inventory." Kendra frowned as she said that, because there was no reason Fisk shouldn't already have this information. She pushed it from her mind. "Is there somewhere we can go to go over this?"

"Yeah, of course. Come on."

Laird led her to a small room that was part workroom, part office. There was a picture of the desk of his family; Kendra looked at it automatically and then tore her eyes away. She knew that face all too well.

Laird noticed, she could see it in his face. She crossed her eyes and glared at him. "All right," she said. "Say it. You must be wanting to."

"Wanting to what?" Laird shrugged.

"Call me out. Shout at me. Rage at me. Hit me." He just looked at her blankly. "Come on!" Kendra insisted. "There's got to be something there. You've got to-" And that's when it hit her that there wasn't. Laird's wife wasn't the only one that was dead, even if Kendra had never put the bullet in him. The knowledge washed over her like ice water, freezing her anger and numbing her insides.

"All right," she said, her voice as dead as his. "Let's go through this."

***

There was a Dance that night. Kendra tossed her tags in defiantly. Stinger was fighting Travers when a knuckledragger came up to her. "Your tags were drawn," she said. "Three fights from now."

"Good." Kendra turned back to the fight.

"Who are you calling out?" Hoshi asked her. His tags were missing as well, and she wondered if it was a hint. She looked away.

Travers won by a narrow margin, and Showboat took the ring, calling up Martins. Kendra backed away, going over to wrap her hands. The knuckledragger came back. "We need to know who you're calling out," she told Kendra, "so we can start making book."

Kendra met her eyes. "Commander Fisk."

The knuckledragger's eyes widened. "His tags aren't in there, sir."

"Why not?" Kendra asked, unable to contain her smirk.

The knuckedragger shrugged. "I don't know, sir. You'll have to pick someone else."

She ended up fighting a marine that she barely even knew. The fight felt good, raw muscle and speed, the flesh under her padded fists, watching the guy wince under her blows. But as soon as the fight was over, the adrenaline faded and nothing was changed.

From across the room, she saw Laird watching her, completely dispassionate. She shivered and turned away.

***

She knew Hoshi didn't have any more of the sacrilorrma, so she planned to avoid his eyes that night in the duty locker. She didn't have to; he never came back to the bunks. She only knew because she was awake, tossing and turning and trying not to remember.

***

"Heard you tried to call me out at the Dance last night, Captain." Fisk finally looked up from his desk.

"Yes, I did, sir."

"Interesting choice. Do you really think you would have beaten me?"

"I think it would have been an interesting fight, sir."

"Maybe." He sounded doubtful. "I have more supplies for you to deliver."

"No."

Fisk looked up sharply. "Excuse me?"

"No." Kendra repeated it smoothly. "I won't."

"You'd better have a damn good reason for refusing an order."

"Because I don't care to be framed for stealing parts from the deck and selling them on the black market, sir," Kendra said.

Fisk's bushy brows met in the center of his forehead, and his face darkened. "You'd better have damn good substance for that accusation, Shaw."

"You didn't need to send me down to the hangar deck for an inventory. You get them delivered to your office all the time. You especially didn't need to send me down to talk to the man whose wife I shot." If Fisk thought she would shy away from saying the words, he had another thought coming. "You planned on blaming me, and if Laird took my side, you'd say he was too upset to do the numbers correctly."

Fisk's face turned red. "Interesting assumption, _Lieutenant_, but completely incorrect."

Kendra kept her shoulders stiff. "I would rather lose my rank than help you sell this ship off on the black market, piece by piece."

"You're lucky I'm not demoting you further," Fisk growled.

"You're not demoting me further because you're afraid I'll report your fraternization with Lieutenant Hoshi to the Admiral," Kendra pointed out. "Why don't you send _him_ on your black market missions?"

"You're dismissed," Fisk said. "And it would be wise of you to remove yourself before I bust your ass all the way down to the galley."

Kendra saluted and left.

She went back to the duty locker. Several officers were sitting at the table playing cards, including Hoshi. She reached around him and looked at his selection of books.

"Hey! What are you doing?" he demanded.

"I'm taking this one," Kendra informed him, picking up a bodice ripper that she'd only ever seen him read once. "Fisk's sending you over to the _Prometheus_ tomorrow."

His brows furrowed as he tried to put those two seemingly unrelated facts together, but she saw the light bulb go off, and he shrugged. "You manage to pull it off, I'll be impressed," he said, and turned back to the card game. Kendra resisted the bizarre urge to stick her tongue out at the back of her head and stormed out.

***

"Easy."

Easy held up a finger, and finished with her leg presses. "Sorry," she said, putting the heavy sled back. "What can I do for you, Captain?"

Kendra didn't bother to correct her- the word would be all over soon enough. Instead, she leaned against the leg press, arms crossed. "I hate to bring up a painful subject, but I heard you had a bachelorette party on ship right before the attacks."

Easy didn't flinch. "Yeah. What of it?"

"I'm looking to trade." She held up the book, and Easy's eyes widened.

"You're kidding."

"I never kid."

"Well then." Easy got out of the leg press. "Come on, Captain Shaw. For that book, you can have your pick."

***

Easy had a small assortment; she laid them out on her bed so Kendra could pick.

"Highly recommend the dolphin," Showboat said, pointing to a small blue plastic vibrator. "The batteries last forever, you can use it alone or with company, and it's got two separate controllers."

"I like the rabbit better myself," Twister said. "Who needs a sex toy when you've got company? And the rabbit can give you vaginal _and_ clitoral at the same time. The dolphin isn't much good for vaginal."

"No," Showboat agreed. She picked up a set of graduated plastic beads. "I meant to ask when we had the party- what _are_ these?"

"Anal beads," Easy answered, turning bright red. "Apparently you shove them up your ass and pull them out one by one." She noticed Kendra's look of interest. "Is that what you're after?"

"Too specialized," Twister protested. "I mean, she's giving you a _book_. Unless you really get off on anal," she said, looking hastily at Kendra.

"Not particularly, no." Kendra picked up a white dildo. "This one has-"

"Strap on. Very specialized again," Twister sighed.

"No," Showboat contradicted, "just a smaller market."

Kendra turned it over in her hand. "Unused?"

"Unused," Easy confirmed.

It was slightly ribbed, with a very realistic shape and slightly padded straps. Kendra suspected she'd feel ridiculous wearing it, but it was exactly what she needed. She handed Easy the book. "I'll take it."

***

Hoshi came in late that night. There were others there, but for the most part, they were asleep. Kendra had been up waiting. "Did you get it?" she asked as he began shucking off his BDUs.

"I got it." He sighed. "I suppose it's too much to ask for my book back."

"You can always borrow it from Easy."

"Right." He looked nervous. "Should I even ask what the frak you got from her?"

"Frak would be the right word," Kendra said primly. She climbed up and sat down on her own bunk. "You can come up here and see it, if you like."

Hoshi hesitated for a moment, and then climbed up beside her. He was a lot taller than she was, awkward elbows and knees as he settled in. She pulled the privacy curtain, and pulled out her new acquisition.

"Oh," he said, staring at it. "Um. Wow."

"You don't look overly excited," Kendra said, arching an eyebrow. "Can't compare to Fisk's cock?"

He snorted. "Trust me, there's no comparison."

"Is that where you just were?" She thought it might be- he smelled like he had just come from the showers.

"Believe it or not, I do do other things besides have sex. I was down in the Pyramid courts." He took the strap on from her and turned it over in his hands. "Would you believe I've never used one of these things before?"

"Well, that makes two of us," Kendra said. She began to struggle out of her tanks. "Let's get this over with."

He rolled his eyes, but took off his tanks as well, and then wiggled out of his boxers. She hadn't really looked at him closely before, but sitting side by side like this, she could see the freckles on his shoulders and an old scar on his back. She slid her own underwear off, and then picked up the strap-on.

"Frak," she said, after a minute, "this isn't supposed to be more complicated than putting on a parachute."

"You jumped?" he asked, envy clear in his voice. "They didn't make us do that going through. Always wanted to try." He took the straps from her. "Here. I think it untangles like this." He undid the straps neatly and held them up. When she looked at him questioningly, he shrugged. "I was a Colonial Scout."

Kendra snorted laughter, making the dildo end bob up and down, which made Hoshi laugh, too.

"Gods," he muttered, falling back on the bed, naked and laughing, "I can't believe any of this."

"I can't either." Kendra gave up completely. "All right. I don't have one of these suckers, you do." That made Hoshi giggle harder, and she swatted him. "Stop it. What do I do next?"

"This is the weirdest…" he looked around. "Did it come with any lube?"

"Yeah." Kendra handed him a tiny tube. Hoshi rolled his eyes.

"We'll get maybe two times out of that," he said, squeezing a good half into his palm and then slicking up the dildo. "Okay. All you have to do is… push in."

For a moment she debated arguing that there should be more, but for one, Hoshi sounded like he was anything but a virgin, for two, he knew what he was after, and for three, she had no desire to stick her fingers up his ass anyway. So she waited until he turned over, arranging his legs on either side of her and ducked his head down and lifted his ass in the air. It wasn't a sight she exactly felt like reveling in, so she moved closer and positioned the dildo.

"This right?"

"That's right," he confirmed, gripping the pillow. "Do it."

"All right." She pushed in, hard, and he pushed back against her.

Kendra had slept with men before, and she'd done most of the work, but she'd never been the penetrating party. She watched the dildo disappear deep into his body, and the way his shoulders clenched and his hands twisted, grabbing at her pillow. "Frak," he muttered, barely audible against the bed, "that'll do it."

She gripped his hips- his skin was cold and smooth under her hands, and began to move harder. She watched the plastic slam into him, and the moaning, writhing reactions that each thrust elicited. This was frakked up- more frakked up than any other sexual encounter than she'd ever had. Oddly enough, that thought was comforting. Really, it was like giving a blow job. It wasn't something she particularly got off on, but it was something she could do.

He finally came, curling up on himself, and whimpering. Kendra waited until he relaxed, and then pulled the dildo out and made a face. "I'll clean it," Hoshi muttered as he fell to the mattress. He was still breathing heavily. "Give me a minute."

"Of course," Kendra said, undoing the straps and laying the apparatus on the bed. She sat down, pulling her knees to her chest, watching him. He finally turned over on his back, scraping his hair off his forehead.

"Thanks," he said.

"You're welcome."

He took one more deep breath, and then sat up and began reaching for his clothing. He pulled on the tanks and his underwear in a blissful sort of silence, and then smiled at her. The smile was real, and one that she'd only seen a handful of times. "I'll be right back," he said, sliding out of her bunk.

It was funny, Kendra thought. He was the one wanting the frakked up sex, and she was the one left feeling dirty.

***

She was able to stay away for two nights, but the third night she couldn't sleep. They were able to find time when the bunk was free, and by the end Hoshi had a black eye and trouble walking, and Kendra had a syringe of sacrilorrma and a night of oblivion and then sleep.

"Does Fisk know you're doing this?" she asked Hoshi later, after she'd injected the stuff.

"Not really his business," Hoshi said. If Kendra had been more cognizant, she might have noticed he wouldn't look at her as he said that. As it was, she just nodded.

"I still say you can do better," she muttered.

"If I wanted to, I would. We don't talk about this, remember?"

"Fine." She lay back on her bed. "I don't think I want to talk at all."

"Perfect." She heard him moving and cracked an eye open. And she wasn't surprised when she saw him climb into his own bed and open a new book.

***

"Murdered?" She heard it in the mess hall at breakfast, two knuckledraggers talking.

"I know. That's the second CO that's been murdered on this ship, and in a matter of weeks."

"Not that Fisk was that great of a CO…"

"No. But who's going to command now?"

Fisk was dead. There was a genuine sort of grief in the air, but at the same time there was a numbness on the faces of most of the crew. This was one more loss on top of insurmountable losses.

Everyone was milling about, uncertain of what to do. Kendra knew exactly where she needed to go- she headed to the duty locker. When she saw Hoshi sitting on the floor, she put the boots out, and then leaned against the table, arms crossed, waiting.

"You know what's awful?" Hoshi finally asked. "I'm almost glad he's dead. It was getting to the point where…" he shook his head angrily. "He gave me _books_. I know where he got them and I know what he paid and I know… but he gave me _books_. And I hated him. I did. I _hated_ him and I just frakked him because he was disgusting and he'd done horrible things and _I'd_ done horrible things and I _hated_ him. But it's over now, and I'm free."

"You are," Kendra said, when it became apparent that the flow of words had stopped. "You're free. And I'll never remind you that you're crying."

***

There was a feeling of drifting in the air, even as Admiral Adama named the new Commander of the _Pegasus_. In fact, the name only sharpened the feeling. Kendra hadn't ever imagined a world where a chief engineer would be in command of the whole battlestar.

"What the frak is he thinking?" she asked Hoshi angrily.

Hoshi was stretched out in his bunk, naked, his arms folded behind his head. He'd gotten a lot more comfortable around her, and while Kendra wold never be so sentimental as to call them lovers, there was a level of intimate comfort to their relationship now. He shrugged. "Got me," he said. "But at the same time, who would you promote?"

"Tigh."

Hoshi snorted. "Colonel Tigh? He's a drunk. Besides, the tactical officer over on _Galactica_ told me he's a lousy commander."

"Stinger."

"Good CAG doesn't mean good Commander."

"He's got a good sense of tactics," Kendra argued. "And in a time of war, that's essential."

"Not when Adama's calling the shots," Hoshi pointed out.

"You like Garner?" Kendra asked.

"No," Hoshi scoffed. "I just don't know who else I'd put in command. We're down to the dregs." He sighed. "But Adama's the one calling the shots anyway. As long as he's still in charge, I'm not pushing myself out an airlock yet." He picked up the strap-on and began to wipe it off on a washcloth he'd brought with him. "Hey," he said, examining it. "Did you realize there's a vibrating feature on this?"

"Huh?" Kendra was struggling back into her tanks. "Do you want me to turn it on next time?"

"Up to you." He smirked at her expression. "It's not for me," he clarified, showing her. "It's for you."

Kendra had never bothered to examine the damn thing too closely. "Huh. Really. You didn't know about it?"

"I never needed to use one of these."

"I find that hard to believe," Kendra said.

Hoshi leveled a blank sort of stare at her. "Kendra," he said incredulously, "every sexual partner I've ever had has had a penis. It's normally a prerequisite for me to sleep with someone."

"You're joking."

"I'm not."

"You've never slept with a woman before?"

"No." He blinked. "You know that."

"I didn't." Kendra found her underwear and squirmed into it.

Hoshi shrugged. He didn't seem like he was in any hurry to dress. "Anyway, if you want, next time turn the vibrator on. It will be the closest I've ever come to giving a woman an orgasm." He smiled at his own joke.

"I don't know," Kendra admitted, hugging her knees to her chest. "It seems… wrong."

"Wrong?"

"I give you an orgasm, you give me the sacrilorrma. That's the deal."

He shrugged again. "Doesn't matter. As long as I get what _I_ want, why shouldn't you get a little enjoyment out of the deal, too?"

"It just seems…" Kendra shook her head angrily. "I mean, we've been sleeping together for several weeks and we've never once kissed."

Hoshi snorted. "You never struck me as the type that would care."

"I don't," Kendra said. "It just is… strange."

He reached behind him for a book. "You frak me up the ass with a strap-on in exchange for sacrilorrma," he said. "Not kissing is hardly the strangest thing we do."

"Did you kiss Fisk?"

He stood up and opened his locker without answering. Kendra sat frozen, wondering why she had even asked the question. He ducked back into the bunk, holding a filled syringe. "Turn around," he ordered. She obeyed, and he moved her hair gently off the back of her neck. She shivered as his lips ghosted over the skin, and then she felt the pinprick of the needle. "Better?" he asked.

"You didn't answer my question."

"I kissed him. Go to your rack before you pass out here."

"Would you mind if I passed out here?" The world was already starting to spin.

"Suit yourself." His voice sounded like it was coming from very far away. He moved over and she lay down, his bare skin warm against her. "I'm kicking you out if you snore, though."

It had been a long time since Kendra had slept with a naked man beside her. She tried to remember, but her brain wouldn't focus. And things with Hoshi, frakked up as they were, were so _easy_. It should feel good, to sleep beside the man she was sleeping with, in easy intimacy as he read.

It was just very strange to think he'd been willing to kiss Fisk, and yet still avoided kissing her. It said a lot about which one of them meant more.

***

She heard laughter. Laughter and the sound of shoes thudding on the floor as players ran, the ball rattling through the goals. The _Pegasus_ had a few Pyramid courts, and it seemed like they were in use more.

"That's a goal!" The shout was gleeful and triumphant. Echoing hoots and the sound of slapped hands followed. Kendra opened the door and peeked it.

It was a three-on-three: Snowbird, Showboat, and Timmens against Stinger, Narcho, and Hoshi, if the shirts and lack thereof were any indication. "Good shot, Hosh," Narcho was saying, holding up a hand. They high-fived, both of them sweaty and laughing and naked from the waist up. Narcho clasped Hoshi's shoulder in an affectionate, brother-like manner, and Kendra stared. She'd had no idea that the two of them were such good friends.

Narcho caught sight of her watching. "Hey, Shaw! Come play. Timmens looks like he could use a breather. You're slowing down, old man!"

"I'm younger than you," Timmens, who had a bit of a gut, retorted. But he wiped his face on his shirt and waited for Kendra's answer.

"No, thanks. I was just on my way by to…" she shook her head. "I'm due back in the CIC."

"Another time, then." Narcho was unbothered. "Come on, maggots! Back to the game!" Hoshi shot her a quick, almost perfunctory smile and went back to the game.

She hadn't played because she didn't even _like_ Pyramid. And she was due in the CIC, she hadn't been lying about that. But still, it was strange to see Hoshi in this setting, sweaty and laughing, like a part of him that she didn't know existed.

She turned and left the court.

***

She didn't turn the vibrator on. No matter what Hoshi said, it just felt wrong. She greased up the dildo and frakked him, watching his shoulders tense and his hands twist, listening to the harsh sound of his breathing. She never saw his face as he came, and she was glad.

He fell to the mattress, his chest heaving as he got his breath back. And Kendra just watched, waiting.

***

She stood in the empty cell, looking around. There were no blood stains, and there were no echoes of screams or harsh laughter. She just stood… not even thinking.

"Hey."

Her head snapped up, and she saw Hoshi. "What do you want?"

"Timmens said he saw you coming down here. You okay?"

"Yeah." She looked around. "Why do you think they haven't found her?"

"I don't think she's in the Fleet anymore," Hoshi admitted. "She probably pushed herself out an airlock and then resurrected back in the Cylon wherever." He looked around the cell himself, distinctly uncomfortable.

"I came down here once," Kendra said. "Alone."

"I thought you might. Did it help? Beating the shit out of her?"

"No."

_Told you it wouldn't._ He didn't say the words, but they hung there anyway. Instead, he finally asked. "Does it help, beating the shit out of me?"

"It's nothing like what I did to her."

"I know. But that wasn't the question."

"No," Kendra sighed. "Not really."

"Didn't think so." He rubbed his chin. "You know," he began awkwardly, "there's a psychologist over on the _Rising Star._ And another one on-"

"Shut up," Kendra ordered him.

He fell silent.

"Do you go?" Kendra finally asked, harshly. He didn't answer. "It doesn't matter," she said, when he stayed silent. "Everyone in this entire frakking Fleet is frakked up."

"True."

Kendra laughed, and it sounded harsh as it bounced off the walls. "Could you imagine the Admiral at a shrink's office?" she asked. "Could you imagine a shrink being brave enough to take her on? Or anyone on the _Pegasus_? There are enough demons on this frakking ship to fill the river Styx."

"That's no reason to give up," Hoshi said softly.

Kendra turned on him. "Who says I'm giving up?"

"Then why are you down here?"

"Does it matter?" Kendra asked crossly.

"Would I be here if it didn't?"

She didn't answer, and he swallowed and stepped forward. She knew what he was going to do only a second before he did it; he caught her chin and tipped it up, and then kissed her on the lips.

Kendra's first thought was that it was incredibly uncomfortable kissing Hoshi. He was eight or nine inches taller than she was, and she had to stretch and he had to stoop, and it was just awkward all around. His lips were cool and dry, chapped from the recirculated air. His tongue touched her lips and she opened her mouth, wondering if just for a moment she could escape into this. She kissed him back, willing herself to respond.

He put his arms around her and pulled her close, but they didn't fit together. That discomfort didn't diminish, and as her abdomen pressed against his hips, she discovered he wasn't hard. The kiss wasn't a bad kiss, but no passion came between them, no swelling feelings, no… nothing. It was just the motion of lips on lips, tongue on tongue. Kendra wasn't a romantic at all, but she'd kissed enough to know what it should feel like, and it had never felt like this.

They broke apart, and he cupped her cheek with his hand. It was a gentle, caring gesture, and Kendra covered his hand with her own.

"You are something else, you know that, Hoshi?"

He smiled. "So are you." He pulled his hand away. "Come back up, will you?"

"I will," she promised. "Just give me a bit."

"All right." He headed for the cell door. "I've got a meeting with _Galactica_ in a half hour. You might want to join me."

"I'll be there."

He smiled at her, and then left the brig, his shoulders straightening and his pace accelerating as he headed for the better lit parts of the ship. Kendra watched him go, wondering why it felt so hard to follow.

***

Gaeta, the _Galactica_'s tactical officer and navigator, was young extremely competent, and remarkably professional for a _Galactica_ soldier. Admiral Cain had made a mention of poaching him. Kendra liked him immediately.

"-not as important as the calculation of the vector," Gaeta was saying. He was explaining higher level jump math to Hoshi, who was following, and to Kendra, who was more interested in what made a ship jump than where it jumped to. "In making jumps into uncharted territory, as you know, it's a matter of examining the radiation patterns."

"No, I understand that," Hoshi was saying back. "What I don't understand is how to integrate this data here in order to generate the model. I've always used the Anaglolian method."

"Which is perfectly viable," Gaeta said, flashing a smile. "I've just found this to be quicker without the benefits of the network."

"All right," Hoshi said, pulling out a pen and leaning close, "explain it to me again."

Kendra didn't put it all together until they were in the Raptor, and she noticed a silly sort of grin on Hoshi's face. "You knew it already," she said, surprised.

"All what?" he asked innocently.

"The jump math you just made me spend a half hour listening to."

"Oh. I did need a refresher."

"Right. A refresher." But he ignored her muttered comment, and looked back down at his notes, the grin tugging at the corners of his mouth again, and it was loud and clear. He was interested in Gaeta. He'd been _flirting._

She shook her head. He wasn't hiding anything, especially with that little smile playing on his face.

***

_Ascension._ That was the word that Kendra thought every time she looked in Hoshi's direction now. _Ascension._

She would envy him, but he was a fool. The Earth that Adama talked about was a joke, Kendra knew that. There was nothing in front of them, just empty space and battles with the Cylons until they all died well before their time and well after they should have. There was nothing left to hope for, nothing left but revenge. And yet, hope was returning to him, although there was nothing to hope for.

Hoshi was the biggest fool on the _Pegasus_, as far as Kendra was concerned.

She thought of him, of his smile, of his warmth, of the way they'd laid together in her bunk or his, talking because they'd had no one else to talk to. That was the only time they really touched with any gentleness, was in those aftermaths. Kendra realized she had never liked the sex, if it was really quite sex, but she'd always liked those stolen moments. Funny she should realize that now.

She stood by her bunk, staring at the items on her cover. The strap on, cleaned and the straps neatly folded. The bottle of sacrilorrma. The syringe, and a pack of needles. And a note.

_Kendra-_

_Thanks. It was what I needed. But we both know it was a game, and this bottle is really yours. No sense in going through me any more._

_By the way, if you ever do want to see her, Dr. Straffa said she'd make time. _

_-Louis._

She'd known his name was Louis, but she'd never once used it. Funny she just realized that now. She picked up the note, crumpled it, and then smoothed it out and folded it neatly, slipping it into the deepest recesses of her locker.

Then she picked up the syringe, filled it, and injected it. She climbed into her bunk and closed her eyes, letting the oblivion wash over her again.


End file.
